I'm losing patience with my neighbours, Mr Bush
Terry Jones Sunday, January 26, 2003 The Observer:
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq:
he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been
really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the
Well, he and Mr Patel, who runs the health food, shop. They both give
me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for
me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to
his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything
That's how devious he is.
As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good
sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the
street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one
Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police?
But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need
evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up
with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a
pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his
plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly
murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent
range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace.
But until recently that's been a little difficult
Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is
run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!
That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson.
Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally
unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know
before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he
has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm
certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife
and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel
are just the tip of the iceberg.
There are dozens of other people in the streets who I don't like and
who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really
safe until I've wiped them all out.
My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using
the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her
up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough
reason for the President, its good enough for me. I'm going to give the
whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand
over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and
interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over
nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to
It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in
contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.